Well, we made it through another week. By “we,” I mean anyone who was not recently House speaker. Is it you? I am serious, can you be House speaker? Because there is a job opening. This is an ideal time for every American to freshen up their LinkedIn page; the requirements really are quite loose. But, please, “proficient in Word” is not a brag.

Let’s dive into that topic and a few other headlines with ties to this fine peninsula, ranking them according to the level of sheer chaos left in their wake.

The House is not a home

Welcome back to our continuous tour of Unprecedented Times!

This week, Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz, a real-life Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot found in a haunted toy tub, led to the historic ouster of U.S. House of Representatives Speaker Kevin McCarthy. If you have not been following along, they are members of the same Republican party. Seven other Republicans voted to eject McCarthy alongside Gaetz, who was not allowed to sit with his party in a literal plot from “Mean Girls.”

But it’s all so weird! Because not only did McCarthy himself agree to the rule changes that allowed just one person who SOURCES SAY CRAVES ATTENTION AND WANTS TO BE GOVERNOR to instigate his removal, he also declined to take advantage of a period of time following Gaetz’s motion in which he could have hustled for his life in the halls of Congress. He was all, “Nah, let’s go.” I am assuming that someone, somewhere, smashed a can of Coors Lite against a forehead.

One can only speculate that McCarthy thought Democrats would save him — which, weird — or that he would skate by on vibes. We all know people like this; they show up on the last day of the group project and try to get the full grade.

Anyway, the United States of America does not have a House speaker for the first time in history. Congress has to pick someone, a process that has proven to be seamless and simple. This is good, since there are no other pressing issues, and the government is not in danger of shutting down like a Chuck E. Cheese with a plumbing issue.

And here’s fun trivia: The new speaker does not technically have to be a member of the House. The speaker can be an affable commercial plumber named Larry! The speaker can be a purveyor of fine healing crystals named Ember! The speaker can be a surly Cane Corso breeder named Gregory! The speaker can be… oh, God, the speaker can be Donald John Trump.

Chaos score: 12,000/10

A smoky haze falls over the Sunshine Skyway Bridge on Tuesday, Oct 3, 2023, heading north into St. Petersburg where smoke from a Canadian wildfire ended up in Florida due to winds from a combination of a low-pressure system and a high-pressure system over the eastern U.S., which has carried the smoke as far south as Miami.
A smoky haze falls over the Sunshine Skyway Bridge on Tuesday, Oct 3, 2023, heading north into St. Petersburg where smoke from a Canadian wildfire ended up in Florida due to winds from a combination of a low-pressure system and a high-pressure system over the eastern U.S., which has carried the smoke as far south as Miami. [ DOUGLAS R. CLIFFORD | Times ]

Canadian smoking section

Pressure systems pulled a crush of wildfire smoke from Canada into Florida, causing everyone to walk outside and declare, “Hot dogs? At this hour?” The smoke did its best to smudge Florida off the map from Jacksonville to West Palm Beach, covering parts of Tampa Bay in a thick haze for days before relenting.

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This ominous fog could withstand a higher chaos rating, because we should honestly live in constant existential fear of extreme weather events made worse by human environmental damage. But there’s also a phenomenon in which overwhelm causes a primitive freeze response and renders a person unable to fully process reality, and, well. Smoke? What smoke?

Chaos score: 8/10

Tampa Bay Rays right fielder Josh Lowe can't make a diving catch on a triple off the bat of Texas Rangers third baseman Josh Jung during the fourth inning of an American League Wild Card playoff baseball game at Tropicana Field on Wednesday, Oct. 4, in St. Petersburg, Fla.
Tampa Bay Rays right fielder Josh Lowe can’t make a diving catch on a triple off the bat of Texas Rangers third baseman Josh Jung during the fourth inning of an American League Wild Card playoff baseball game at Tropicana Field on Wednesday, Oct. 4, in St. Petersburg, Fla. [ SMILEY N. POOL | The Dallas Morning News ]

Tampa Bay Malaise

Overall, the Rays had a super season. Yes, there were a couple clunkers, including one stunning game I attended in which they lost 20 to 1 against the Toronto Blue Jays. Fans that night started booing the home team while staring hopelessly at the field like Leonardo DiCaprio in “The Revenant.” Otherwise, though, the boys looked set for postseason success! They won 99 games! That, to use an obscure sports term, is hard!

And yet, Wednesday, the team’s dreams fell apart again before a scant crowd at a 3 p.m. game The Rays were unceremoniously knocked out of the playoffs in the first round for the third straight year. Manager Kevin Cash said he could not point to any one reason for the loss, and I think he’s right. It’s probably a few things: 1) A lesser-known, unsettling mascot named Stinger, clearly the victim of a 1,000-year curse. 2) Related: rigged mascot race. Stop the steal! 3) A player wearing the wrong underwear on the wrong day. 4) Tropicana Field, on its last legs, casting revenge upon all ye who enter. 5) The barbecue nachos. They really are for three-to-four people no matter how much you believe in yourself.

Chaos: 7/10

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