THE OPERATING THEATRE of a Dublin hospital became the location for history being made as the world’s first successful open-heart chakra cleansing was carried out.

“This man needs immediate medical intervention or he’ll die, how the fuck did you get in here?” were the words uttered to Galway woman Nessa Carmody seconds after she was able to confirm 59-year-old Tom Grimes, who lay chest open on the operating table, had been cleansed of negative energy.

“Nurse, we don’t have time for those questions, I need 10ccs of positive affirmations stat or this man’s third eye is going to remain blocked,” Carmody said of the patient whose arteries were severely blocked.

While Carmody had performed endless sage burning in her own home and the homes of friends and family, whether they asked for it or not, this was her first open heart operation.

“For the love of God will someone help my husband,” said the patient’s wife, Orla Grimes, as she banged furiously on the glass outside the operating theatre, in a clear show of appreciation for the homeopathic expertise Carmody was bringing to bear.

Carmody reassured the man’s wife that her husband would need to rest and if possible to placed directly beneath a dream catcher at all times.

“Oh no, we’re losing him. Quick nurse get me the biggest healing crystal you can find,” screamed Carmody as she was dragged from the room.