In I Did The Thing, Rachel Sugar sacrifices her time and her sanity in the name of wellness “research.” First up: the $80 Glacce bottle that ate Instagram.

I am not a crystals person. I have never owned a crystal. I have never wanted to own a crystal. Once, in elementary school, we grew sugar crystals, but then we ate them. That is as close to crystals as I have come. And, yet, in this strange age in which even reasonable, non-Gwyneth people are dabbling in spiritual rocks , I have become increasingly aware of their existence.

And then I found the water bottle.

I was perusing my favorite source of vagina eggs, the GOOP web store, just to see what I might be into if I had much more disposable income and were also someone else. And there it was: the Glacce water bottle. The Glacce water bottle is like a regular water bottle, only it’s glass instead of a lighter, more practical material, and it has a giant crystal in it, which, the website explains, is to “infuse the water with positive energy.” Most of what I’d read about crystals has focused on how I should integrate them into my “spiritual practice,” which sounded daunting because I don’t have a spiritual practice. As I understood it, though, the water bottle just required me to drink water.

There are five different crystals to choose from, and the company suggests you use “your intuition” to see “which bottle you are most drawn to.” I liked the pink one, on account of how it was pink. According to Glacce (like “lace,” but with a G first), rose quartz is “the stone of unconditional love,” and helps harness “the feminine energy of compassion, love, peace, tenderness, healing, and nourishment.”

A few days later, the package arrived, and I let it sit on my desk, unopened, for three days. A thing to know about this water bottle is that it costs $80. That is a huge amount of money for a bottle, even if it does have a very large crystal in it. (Technically, the crystal is removable.) And so what? People buy luxury goods all the time. It’s a problem, but because gross income inequality is a problem, not because there is anything inherently unworthy about luxury water bottles. (And this water bottle is very nice.) My concern, I decided, was that this was not just a regular $80 water bottle, but a bottle that was promising to do something I worried it couldn’t actually do. This would be a good time to mention that there’s no scientific evidence to suggest that crystals have any innate healing properties at all.